Home » Tuck Fanfic » New Fanfics » Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput
Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6495] Thu, 30 September 2010 11:00 Go to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

While actually having things put together enough to ask for people to proof read and give feedback before finalizing is still a months time off at the very least I figured I'd ask if anyone might be intereasted. Ellen, of course I'll be happy to send you what I get done as I finish it if you would like to read over it and help develop things.

The basic concept of the story is a modern day child, around 15 or 16 years of age, who is both gender dysphoric and abused by the parentals. Born male and realizing he should be female he has taken steps outside normal, ie. legal, means to do that with out parental consent. When they find out, the abuse worsen and he leaves, deciding to no longer deal with the abuse and not trusting adults enough to go to the police.

This is when the weirdness starts. As I said the story starts modern day, as in 2009/2010, not sure yet which year precicesly of the two.

Anyways, our heroine sets out on her own with only a few changes of clothing, her own laptop, and a few other odds and ends. While on a greyhound bus she finds Barkingduck.net and starts reading the Saga of Tuck. She becomes enamored, jealous, and encouraged by the stories there in, and also depressed. She wishes she had friends like Tuck is surronded by.

She drifts off to sleep and awakens at the next stop. She gets off to use the facilities and eat but quickly realizes the bus has left with out her and things are not how they should be anymore.

I'll let you all wait till I actually get everything typed up and ready to go. My lappy is in a Tango Foxtrot state at the moment so I'm kinda writing by hand when the mood strikes me so things are going to take a bit till I get a concrete story together rather than just a concept. Once I have the first part done I'll get it posted so those intereasted in helping with proofing and constructive critisism can help.


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6497] Sun, 03 October 2010 13:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
stanman  is currently offline stanman
Messages: 292
Registered: May 2008
Senior Member
Sounds ike an interesting story. Hope that you post it.
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6498] Sun, 03 October 2010 22:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
iWindoze  is currently offline iWindoze
Messages: 172
Registered: September 2002
Location: USA
Senior Member
stanman wrote on Sun, 03 October 2010 12:59

Sounds ike an interesting story. Hope that you post it.

I second this and also look forward to reading your writing.

--iWindoze
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6501] Tue, 26 October 2010 12:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

Well, Sorry it took so long to get back to you all. I have the rough drafts for the first two chapters of this fan fic wrote. No clue how long it will go but I'm looking at around 9 chapters total. Haven't had access to a computer (My charger for my lappy got fried and can't get it replaced right now) and life threw me a curve ball from heck. Doing the whole homeless thing in Dallas TX atm. However after a little double checking I'm going to do in the next few days I'll take time to get online here at the library again and try to get the first part posted for review and insight.

TTFN

Trisha


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6513] Wed, 10 November 2010 00:33 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

Okay, here is chapter one. Please keep in mind this is not nessacarily the final thing. I'm posting this here openly so everyone can comment on it and hopefully get some imput on it. Really hoping Ellen can spare a little time to read it and let me know what she thinks.

Okay first off, Tuck and Mike (The only two used from the Saga in chapter 1) Are copy write to Ellen Hayes, as is Ellen's name, which is mentioned in the story as the author of a certin saga and AU story line. This one in story factoid is the ONLY real name used in the story, all else is a work of fiction.

Mai Kyoshima is my own creation and I hold the copy write on her.

This is a draft version and I'm hoping some folks might be willing to give some feed back on it. Once I get a few people that are willing to do feed back because they are intereasted in the story I'll send further draft chapters directly to them and only post finished chapters.

Okay next post is chapter 1.

EDIT :: GAH darn formating didn't carry over with the copy/paste. Blah... Well if anyone wants the file let me know and I'll buzz off the formated file to you so you don't have to deal with the wall-o-text that was created in the copy/paste.

[Updated on: Wed, 10 November 2010 00:36]


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6514] Wed, 10 November 2010 00:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

22:28 Dec 4th 2010

Mai ran into her room sending the door slamming shut with a catastrophic thud. The tears had started flowing while she was downstairs, but now as she, in a near literal fashion, flew onto her bed, the real flood gates broke loose. The sobs wracked her body in shuddering convulsions that looked almost epileptic in nature. She had been fighting against this for nearly two hours and the strength to hold it in had finally escaped her.

23:18 Dec 4th 2010

As she lay sobbing on her bed the words her father had directed at her replayed in her mind in inglorious stereo. Freak. Faggot. Queer. Those where only the nice ones. Over and over again Mai had been told that if she didn't "stop this childish rebellion," that she would be disowned and thrown to the streets.
Reaching out she grasped for the pink and blue stuffed bear on her bed and pulled it close to her chest. Mai squeezed the small stuffed bear as if her life depended on it. *Maybe it does*, she pondered, *my sanity at least.*
Steven had gotten her the bear for her birthday from a build a bear workshop. She still remembered what he said when he gave it to her.
"A sweet sixteen present for the sweetest girl on post," she said quietly with a tear choked laugh. It had been seven months since that night when he gave her the bear; only four months had passed since they had buried her best friend.
She missed him so much when things where bad. Tonight was by far the worst. So she squeezed the small, cuddly bear sobbing once again; trying to connect with that sense of peace he had always instilled in her. Her tears of pain where joined by the fresh tears of loss as the memories flooded into her mind anew.
Between gasped breaths she muttered out with a harsh and torn voice, "Why do they hate me Val?" Wrapping her arms around the bear she looked at it wishing her furry friend could answer her.

23:38 Dec 4th

Blinking several times Mai almost rubbed her eyes before remembering she had neither removed her make-up nor taken out her contacts. Slowly she slid her aching body off the bed, still clutching Val tightly to her chest, and trotted into her bathroom.
One glance in the mirror showed her what she expected to find. Black rivulets ran down her cheeks, rings circled her eyes like a raccoon. Even her lipstick had found a way to move amongst every aspect of her face it seemed. The ruined make up combined with her delicate Japanese features, something she normally considered a blessing, gave her the look of a dead girl from one of those Asian horror movies. Even the whites of her eyes glared out beyond the make up, a startling network of red criss crossing the whites. Shoulder length hair, black as night, clung to her cheeks, sticky with sweat.
Gently she set Val, her closest friend, on the sings wide counter and opened the box of remover wipes. Within minutes she had the worst cleaned off leaving what little was left for the shower to tack care of. With a few quick flicks, perfected from years of practice, , her contacts where out and soaking in their case.
As she turned to start the shower she stopped and looked intently at herself in the mirror. What she saw sent a creeping sensation of hopelessness into her. Bruises where already showing themselves across her face, seemingly growing darker with each passing second. She looked like a twisted characture of herself. The hopelessness stopped creeping and swam over her as she sunk to her knees. Eyes already sore and drained found yet more tears to spill.

00:13 Dec 5th

As the tears finally abated she pulled herself to her feet once more, again clutching Val to her chest. Looking into the mirror, the young girl there in silently confirmed it had not been a bad dream. It was a nightmare made of flesh and blood.
The fresh bruises where dark and prominant. Little of her natural skin tone showed behind the almost mystical eldritch patterns of pain marked onto her flesh. She turned her face side to side looking at the proof before her. A deep breath told her that likely her torso was in no better shape.
Setting Val down again she slowly started to peel her clothes off, letting them drop to the floor in a pile. Naked, she stood looking at herself in the mirror again and saw the continuation of the arcane markings that started on her face and ran down along her body and arms. Almost no where above her waist and wrists was free of bruising.
"I can't stay here,"Mai said aloud, to herself and Val both, "He'll kill me next time, or.." Mai swallowed, not able to finish the thought. Slowly she turned and spun the water on and got her shower running. Stepping under the hot water, she let her mind wander off and blanked out as she washed. Already she could feel the sweat and fear pushing off her body, but there was more as well. She could feel the emotions being washed away as well. She could see it in her minds eye, the water, pure, clean, hot, washing away the vileness of her thoughts and fears leaving her calm and ready to plan what came next.
"Run away," she said in a hushed whisper. She knew that was what she had to do, all that was left was how. Turning in the shower she took up her shampoo and started to wash her hair as she set about figuring out the how.

02:43 Dec 5th

Looking at the clock Mai realized she had been going strong with her preparations for over two hours now. She had nearly finished and had managed to bring the nessecities down to the heavy duty camping pack, her lap top case, and her black purse. Looking over what she had packed she made a mental inventory then nearly slapped herself. She had almost forgotten her meds, something she would have a hard time replacing when they ran out. Still she had a rather decent supply of them and hoped that by the time she was in need of more she would have found a way to get them. Going to her bathroom she carefully slipped the supply of pill bottles into her laptop case along with the horde of make up that had already taken over several of the extra pockets on it.
Making one more check of her purse she pulled out the state issued ID's. Steven had helped her get the second through creative mailing that eventually gave Mai enough documentation to get the second one. A moments consideration led to the realization that she didn't want any reminders of this life she was leaving behind. Walking to the desk she tossed the first ID on her desk and slipped the second back into her purse.
"Maybe they will get the clue," she muttered to herself as she started picking up her things to leave.

03:18 Dec 5th
As she pulled out of the driveway she had realized that in a few hours she might be reported as a run away. That meant her back account would end up being tracked and the police looking for her and her mothers car, which she w as now driving. As the problem played through her mind she realized there was nothing she could do to stop it, so she turned her thoughts to what to do to minimize the problem.
Greyhound, she realized might be her answer. If she could manage the drive north to Dallas with out being pulled over it would be even better. It was far enough from her home town that it wouldn't be immediately suspected. First things first, money. That meant she needed to stop at an ATM now. Suddenly she regretted leaving her other ID back in her room since she wouldn't be able to pull cash out directly she'd have to do a little bit at a time from the ATM.

07:11 Dec 5th

Pulling into the parking lot she quickly parked and grabbed her things. She almost locked the car but stopped, an evil smile crawling into her mind. Racing back into the car she stuck the keys in the ignition then rolled all the windows down and unlocked all the doors. Even long term parking lots are not 100% secure, she thought happily. Maybe someone would give her a hand and steal the car for her. It would certainly help make things harder to figure out where she went if the car ended up in a chop shop.

07:55 Dec 5th

The cab had finally gotten her to the Greyhound station and she eagerly scrambled out of it. The cabbies driving had nearly killed them a dozen times as they came through the city streets of Dallas alone.
Collecting her things from the cabs trunk she became acutely aware of two things. One, the drive north had made a huge change in the tempature. Her black pleated skirt, black t-shirt emblazoned with the Wraith from the last Jokers Card on it, and combat boots where not the warmest things she could be wearing.
Two, the eyes of every male outside the station was on her. Either the goth and emo populations where severely lacking in Dallas or everyone was enjoying their eye candy.
This brought another problem into the fore front, and a possible solution. Mai didn't know if Greyhound would sell a minor a ticket. However from the dozen or so leering grins she didn't think it would be a problem.
"Scuse me, could one of you gentlemen help a girl out?"

08:51 Dec 5th

Ticket in hand she silently thanked all the gods and goddesses. The total cost of her escape so far was near three hundred dollars. Just over two hundred for her ticket and another fifty to pay off the homeless guy she got to buy the ticket for her. She had just over one hundred dollars still left on her and another several hours before she could hit up another ATM to pull more out of her account before it was dangerous to do so.
"Ticket Please."
Mai snapped back to the here and now and handed her ticket to the driver as she boarded. Best three hundred dollars I ever spent, she decided.

09:02 Dec 5th

The ticket said Detroit, but Mai had been pondering that already. If they some how tracked her down to the Greyhound ticket they would know where she was headed. Looking over the planned stops she decided Toledo would be here last stop. Yes it was on the route, but she figured anything to confuse the search was a good thing. At least it could buy her time to get farther away.
Mai settled into her seat and pulled out her laptop. It was going to be a long ride and that made her all the more grateful that they where on one of the new buses with wifi. As firefox came up she typed in the address of her favorite site. Seconds later she was settling back and reading more of Ellen Hayes work. There wasn't many more chapters left in the main story but she had been eyeballing the alternate universe story that merged Tuck and the Seasons stories. She figured she'd have plenty of time to catch up on them both during the long bus trip and smiled as she settled in for the ride.

10:35 Dec 6th

Her eyes popped open as the driver announced a twenty minute rest stop. Grabbing her purse and laptop case she hurried off the bus to find a bathroom. Almost instantly she was grateful she had added the long sleeved yellow under shirt and black and red tights to it after the first rest stop. It was freezing out compared to her home state. She had considered more sensible jeans and a sweater but her vanity had worn out. Besides she was going to be so close to the home of her idols that she couldn't not wear her juggalette gear.

10:42 Dec 6th

Quickly she checked her make up in the mirror. Pulling out her lipstick and powder she quickly touched up her face and then dropped things back into her purse and out came her brush. A few quick swipes had her hair back in order. Another glance in the mirror and Mai nodded. She looked good in her opinion. Grabbing her purse and laptop case again she turned and headed back outside.
Stepping out brought the expected chill with it. Going to have to break down and put on warmer clothes, she thought to herself as her eyes re adjusted to the bright glare of the morning sun that seemed to hang directly in her eyes. Blinking a few times she stopped cold, a feeling of dread running into her spine as her vision cleared. Snatching the pre paid cell phone she had picked up at the first stop in her trip she looked at the time then back to the parking lot.
Mai scanned where the bus had been parked as her eyes widened in panic. She had only been in the bathroom a few minutes. There was no way they should have left already. Yet her eyes did not lie, the bus was gone.

10:44 Dec 6th

Mike smacked Valerie in the back of her head. She deserved it for what she had suggested. "You heard what George said. No way are we letting you give up now. Not after what he went through defending you."
Val nodded slowly, letting her voice sigh, " I know Mike, I just don't want anymore of my friends getting hurt because of..."
Mike smacked Valerie again soliciting a squeak of protest from her, effectively cutting her off.
"George got hurt because those guys are bigoted assholes. Don't ever say, no, don't ever even THINK it was your fault."
Valerie knew Mike was right. He usually was with these things. Still she had to make a show of it, her inner wise guy required it. Closing her eyes she held up her hands in surrender, "Alright, Alright, you are right. No going back. So are you taking me shopping for more clothes today?"
Mike gave her another swat to the back of her head but smiled this time as he headed to the cooler in the back of the gas station, "I'll buy your drink, dew or coke?"
"Grab me a Dew."

10:58 Dec 6th

As they walked back out to the Beast Valerie's senses sent her into alert mode. She started dropping into a defensive stance before her eyes followed her ears and tracked what had drawn her attention.
Sitting on the ground in a most un-lady like fashion was a young girl. Her knees where pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped tightly around them. Her chest heaved up and down as she had what Debbie would call a good cry. Valerie let her instincts take over as she took stock of the situation. Judging from the girls appearance she didn't believe she was 'one of them' and she saw no one else around. *Goth probley,* Valerie quickly concluded from the girls dark clothing and combat boots.
With out further thought she reached out and tapped Mikes elbow. When he turned to look at her Valerie nodded to the distraught girl. Mike looked over to her then back to Valerie as he quickly signaled <over watch>.
Valerie nodded in agreement. One person would be enough to find out if they could help and two might spook the girl. She certainly did not look like she was from around here in the short skirt and thin top in early December and no sign of even a coat.
Walking up she kept a wary eye on the girl in case she did get spooked and reacted badly. Clearing her throat to give warning she was there Valerie started, trying to keep her voice friendly sounding, "S'cuse me, are you alright?"

11:00 Dec 6th

Mai nearly jumped when she heard the strange voice. Looking up timidly she saw a young raven haired girl standing a few feet away. She looked concerned, yet cautious, and Mai tried to process why.
*Oh, yea, me having a mental breakdown in the middle of a parking lot,* she realized.
Then Mai remembered what happened. She had seemingly been left behind. The bus with her clothes was gone and she had no idea where she even was. That set her off again and she was back to crying even harder. She kept trying to explain what happened through the choking sobs but her rising panic just brought on a blur of syllables she wasn't even sure was English.

11:01 Dec 6th

Valerie's eyes went wide as the other girl started babbling, seemingly ready to asphyxiate herself between the tears and hyperventilation. Quickly she closed the distance and knelt down in front of the girl.
"Whoa, whoa, calm down girl," Valerie said over the sobs and reached out putting her hands on the panic ridden girls shoulders. "Your going to hurt yourself and confuse me."
Valerie tried for a comforting smile as the girl looked up and took several breaths. Val let her eyes meet the other girls while she took in her face. *Asian, maybe Japanese,* she thought. *Definitely needs to redo her make-up.* Then something caught Valerie's eye. *Was that a bruise?* She looked closer and it was. In fact she saw several scattered about the girls face starting to show through the tear stained make up.
The implications sent a chill up Valerie's spine. It was only with a concerted act of will that Valerie didn't let it show.
"Okay, under control now?"
The distraught girl nodded mutely in the affirmative.
"Good, my name is Valerie, what's yours?"
"Kyoshima Mai, "she answered at first then shook her head, "I mean Mai Kyoshima."
*Ah ha,* Valerie smiled inwardly, *probley Japanese after all.* "Alright Mai, are you thirsty? Want a drink?"
Mai nodded so Valerie passed over her unopened bottle of dew. Mai quickly spun the lid off and drank deeply of it.
"Arigatou gozaimasu Valerie-san, " Mai blurted out between drinks.
"S'no problem, now can you tell me what has you so upset?"
Mai almost started to tear up again but a few deep breaths helped her calm down. "I was going to Detroit to visit my Aunt, " she lied, hoping Valerie would count any nervousness as after effects of her hysterics. "The bus driver said we had a twenty minute rest stop here but when I came out of the bathroom five minutes later the bus was gone."
Valerie nodded, considering the situation. That Mai was not telling the whole truth did not escape her. The faint bruises told her that much with out reading into anything else. Still the only way to find out what was really wrong was to convince Mai to trust her. That meant spending time with the other girl.
Glancing sideways to where Mike was watching and listening she mentally shrugged. If Mike doesn't like it I'll just have to convince him, she decided.
"Hey, how about we go to my place, call the bus company, and find out where your bus is now. I assume you had more luggage than this with you right?"
Mai nodded in the affirmative as Valerie continued, "We can see if we can get them to hold that even if you have to catch another bus later today."
Mai smiled weakly and gave a small bow with her head, "Arigato gozaimasu Valerie-san."
Valerie smiled and stood up taking Mai's hands in her own and pulling her to her feet. "You go get cleaned up. I'll wait for you by the car. Pump four."
Mai nodded and grabbed her purse and laptop case, "Yosh!, I'll be right back."

11:12 Dec 6th

Mai breathed a sigh of relief as she locked the door to the unisex bathroom. She wasn't sure why but Valerie seemed comfortable, familiar really. "Must be the name, " she said to the empty room.
Moving to the sink she lifted up her laptop case and started opening pockets. She was going to need more than what was in her purse to fix herself up she knew.
Seeing her Val in the case while she pulled out what she needed comforted her. She ran her fingers through the bears soft fur and smiled, "Maybe luck hasn't abandoned us yet eh?"
Looking up at herself in the mirror she startled herself. Not because her make-up was ruined but because here and there her bruises where showing through. *Shit, hopefully Valerie didn't notice.* Mai did not want to have to explain the bruising and she needed Valerie's help to catch up to the bus. All of her clothes she had brought where in the back pack still and she didn't have the money to replace them all and still have something to get herself started with.

11:14 Dec 6th

Valerie sat against the fender of the car as Mike approached from where he had been watching. Nervous energy coursed through her and she felt like she was trying to force it into the Beast's steel body.
"She's been attacked, and recently. Fresh bruises on her face," Valerie reported as Mike walked up.
"Thought thats what it looked like."
"How could you see that from..."
"Superior genetics," Mike said with a grin, "I am Chinese remember? So what do we do about our little onee-chan in trouble?"
Valerie considered it. She knew that if Mai didn't trust them she wouldn't tell them anything. She knew all about not trusting strangers and the madness it could create all to well.
"We have to get her to trust us, Mike. That means spending time with her. So first, back to my place and we find the nearest bus terminal and figure out what happened to her bus."
Mike nodded in agreement then got a huge grin on his face. "Better call Debbie and let her know. She might get jealous if her girlfriend has some cute Asian girl up in her room all alone."
Valerie poked Mike repeatedly while laughing, "We'll just have to tell her she is there for you."

11:19 Dec 6th

Mai finally got herself put back together and headed outside again. Scanning the pumps she found pump four where Valerie was leaning against the fender of one of those antique monsters that came out of Detroit nearly a decade before she had been born. Quickly she started towards the other girl who turned, seemingly sensing Mai's approach.
"Hey over here, come meet my friend, Mike. He'll be our chauffeur for the day."
As Mai rounded the car she smiled and waved, "Konnichiwa Mike-san!"
Mike popped up just then, an air pressure gauge in his hand. Turning around with a smile on his face he quickly twitched a little as Mai's face went blank. *Damn, I'm not that bad looking am I,* he thought.
Mai started pointing at Mike and then turned to Valerie, words that sounded like nonsense coming out of her mouth, "Nani? Nani? Choshi ga warui desu."
Valerie shot a confused look to Mike and he returned it in kind, equally confused.
Mai couldn't believe what she was seeing. It couldn't be possible, it shouldn't be possible. But if she was right, then it had to be possible. What she knew fit to well. That meant these two had to be, "Valerie and Mike, " she answered herself in a fearful whisper.
Valerie nodded looking at Mai with concern, "Yes Mai, that's what I said."
Mai blinked and seemed to go even paler than her normally light skintone, "Valerie Tucker, and Michael Johanson," her voice shaking with shock and fear.
Valerie looked at Mike with sudden suspicion then turned back to Mai, "How do you know..."
If more was said Mai didn't hear it. The ground suddenly became a lot more interesting as blackness enveloped her senses.


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6515] Wed, 10 November 2010 21:06 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Sir Lee  is currently offline Sir Lee
Messages: 440
Registered: October 2003
Location: São Paulo, Brazil
Senior Member
...you DO know that, per canon chronology, Tuck/Valerie would be twenty-nine and Mike would be thirty by December 2010, don't you?

Not that it's really a problem; as long as you acknowledge the discrepancy, say, in the header, alongside the copyright notice. Unless, of course, you are planning something more complex to explain it in-story.

Edit: Oh. I saw the meta-parallel-universes-thing now. I guess you ARE going the "more complex" route. Also, I noticed things on second read that hint that those might be, in fact, the adult Val and Mike, not the teen ones. So I guess the mistake is mine.

[Updated on: Wed, 10 November 2010 21:12]


Don't call me Shirley. You will surely make me surly.
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6516] Thu, 11 November 2010 03:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Brooke  is currently offline Brooke
Messages: 695
Registered: August 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Senior Member
Interesting.

My biggest "wait a sec" was her thinking about getting more money in Dallas. That sort of contradicts the earlier thoughts of hoping they'd not check in Dallas any time soon.

Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6517] Thu, 11 November 2010 20:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

Well Val and Mike are the '97 ones, Mai is from 2010. No, I'm not going to attempt anything approaching rational thought in fixing this. Well, no more rational than your average Sci-fi writer that wants to screw around with alternate demensions/time travel/etc.

The primary clue to there being an AU situation in this first chapter is in there, though it might not clobber you over the head. Specificly look at Dec 5th when she's settling in for the bus ride.

Thank you for pointing out the transaction matter. The simple fact is that assuming she can hit the ATM mulptiple times from differeing locations in order to draw out money is one of the little loop hole things that I was not entirely comfortable with. There are banks who you can manage to spoof a daily withdrawl limit by doing this in Dallas, and other states, but they are not super common. Also, altho you could track the withdrawels, the point is she was intending to basicly leave a dozen leads all over so they don't know where the trail really starts. I had more of this in my first draft, but took it out. Seems I should put more of it in or atleast pay some lip service to avoid the confusion and let it make sense again.

[Updated on: Thu, 11 November 2010 20:24]


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6518] Fri, 12 November 2010 13:15 Go to previous messageGo to next message
iWindoze  is currently offline iWindoze
Messages: 172
Registered: September 2002
Location: USA
Senior Member
Trisha Clements wrote on Tue, 09 November 2010 23:34

22:28 Dec 4th 2010

Mai ran into her room sending the door slamming shut with a catastrophic thud. The tears had started flowing while she was downstairs, but now as she, in a near literal fashion, flew onto her bed, the real flood gates broke loose. The sobs wracked her body in shuddering convulsions that looked almost epileptic in nature. She had been fighting against this for nearly two hours and the strength to hold it in had finally escaped her.

23:18 Dec 4th 2010

As she lay sobbing on her bed the words her father had directed at her replayed in her mind in inglorious stereo. Freak. Faggot. Queer. Those where only the nice ones. Over and over again Mai had been told that if she didn't "stop this childish rebellion," that she would be disowned and thrown to the streets.

Reaching out she grasped for the pink and blue stuffed bear on her bed and pulled it close to her chest. Mai squeezed the small stuffed bear as if her life depended on it. *Maybe it does*, she pondered, *my sanity at least.*

Steven had gotten her the bear for her birthday from a build a bear workshop. She still remembered what he said when he gave it to her.

"A sweet sixteen present for the sweetest girl on post," she said quietly with a tear choked laugh. It had been seven months since that night when he gave her the bear; only four months had passed since they had buried her best friend.

She missed him so much when things where bad. Tonight was by far the worst. So she squeezed the small, cuddly bear sobbing once again; trying to connect with that sense of peace he had always instilled in her. Her tears of pain where joined by the fresh tears of loss as the memories flooded into her mind anew.

Between gasped breaths she muttered out with a harsh and torn voice, "Why do they hate me Val?" Wrapping her arms around the bear she looked at it wishing her furry friend could answer her.

23:38 Dec 4th

Blinking several times Mai almost rubbed her eyes before remembering she had neither removed her make-up nor taken out her contacts. Slowly she slid her aching body off the bed, still clutching Val tightly to her chest, and trotted into her bathroom.

One glance in the mirror showed her what she expected to find. Black rivulets ran down her cheeks, rings circled her eyes like a raccoon. Even her lipstick had found a way to move amongst every aspect of her face it seemed. The ruined make up combined with her delicate Japanese features, something she normally considered a blessing, gave her the look of a dead girl from one of those Asian horror movies. Even the whites of her eyes glared out beyond the make up, a startling network of red criss crossing the whites. Shoulder length hair, black as night, clung to her cheeks, sticky with sweat.

Gently she set Val, her closest friend, on the sings wide counter and opened the box of remover wipes. Within minutes she had the worst cleaned off leaving what little was left for the shower to tack care of. With a few quick flicks, perfected from years of practice, , her contacts where out and soaking in their case.

As she turned to start the shower she stopped and looked intently at herself in the mirror. What she saw sent a creeping sensation of hopelessness into her. Bruises where already showing themselves across her face, seemingly growing darker with each passing second. She looked like a twisted caricature of herself. The hopelessness stopped creeping and swam over her as she sunk to her knees. Eyes already sore and drained found yet more tears to spill.

00:13 Dec 5th

As the tears finally abated she pulled herself to her feet once more, again clutching Val to her chest. Looking into the mirror, the young girl there in silently confirmed it had not been a bad dream. It was a nightmare made of flesh and blood.

The fresh bruises where dark and prominent. Little of her natural skin tone showed behind the almost mystical eldritch patterns of pain marked onto her flesh. She turned her face side to side looking at the proof before her. A deep breath told her that likely her torso was in no better shape.

Setting Val down again she slowly started to peel her clothes off, letting them drop to the floor in a pile. Naked, she stood looking at herself in the mirror again and saw the continuation of the arcane markings that started on her face and ran down along her body and arms. Almost no where above her waist and wrists was free of bruising.

"I can't stay here,"Mai said aloud, to herself and Val both, "He'll kill me next time, or.." Mai swallowed, not able to finish the thought. Slowly she turned and spun the water on and got her shower running. Stepping under the hot water, she let her mind wander off and blanked out as she washed. Already she could feel the sweat and fear pushing off her body, but there was more as well. She could feel the emotions being washed away as well. She could see it in her minds eye, the water, pure, clean, hot, washing away the vileness of her thoughts and fears leaving her calm and ready to plan what came next.

"Run away," she said in a hushed whisper. She knew that was what she had to do, all that was left was how. Turning in the shower she took up her shampoo and started to wash her hair as she set about figuring out the how.

02:43 Dec 5th

Looking at the clock Mai realized she had been going strong with her preparations for over two hours now. She had nearly finished and had managed to bring the necessities down to the heavy duty camping pack, her lap top case, and her black purse. Looking over what she had packed she made a mental inventory then nearly slapped herself. She had almost forgotten her meds, something she would have a hard time replacing when they ran out. Still she had a rather decent supply of them and hoped that by the time she was in need of more she would have found a way to get them. Going to her bathroom she carefully slipped the supply of pill bottles into her laptop case along with the horde of make up that had already taken over several of the extra pockets on it.

Making one more check of her purse she pulled out the state issued ID's. Steven had helped her get the second through creative mailing that eventually gave Mai enough documentation to get the second one. A moments consideration led to the realization that she didn't want any reminders of this life she was leaving behind. Walking to the desk she tossed the first ID on her desk and slipped the second back into her purse.

"Maybe they will get the clue," she muttered to herself as she started picking up her things to leave.

03:18 Dec 5th

As she pulled out of the driveway she had realized that in a few hours she might be reported as a run away. That meant her back account would end up being tracked and the police looking for her and her mothers car, which she w as now driving. As the problem played through her mind she realized there was nothing she could do to stop it, so she turned her thoughts to what to do to minimize the problem.

Greyhound, she realized might be her answer. If she could manage the drive north to Dallas with out being pulled over it would be even better. It was far enough from her home town that it wouldn't be immediately suspected. First things first, money. That meant she needed to stop at an ATM now. Suddenly she regretted leaving her other ID back in her room since she wouldn't be able to pull cash out directly she'd have to do a little bit at a time from the ATM.

07:11 Dec 5th

Pulling into the parking lot she quickly parked and grabbed her things. She almost locked the car but stopped, an evil smile crawling into her mind. Racing back into the car she stuck the keys in the ignition then rolled all the windows down and unlocked all the doors. Even long term parking lots are not 100% secure, she thought happily. Maybe someone would give her a hand and steal the car for her. It would certainly help make things harder to figure out where she went if the car ended up in a chop shop.

07:55 Dec 5th

The cab had finally gotten her to the Greyhound station and she eagerly scrambled out of it. The cabbie's driving had nearly killed them a dozen times as they came through the city streets of Dallas alone.

Collecting her things from the cabs trunk she became acutely aware of two things. One, the drive north had made a huge change in the temperature. Her black pleated skirt, black t-shirt emblazoned with the Wraith from the last Jokers Card on it, and combat boots where not the warmest things she could be wearing.

Two, the eyes of every male outside the station was on her. Either the goth and emo populations where severely lacking in Dallas or everyone was enjoying their eye candy.

This brought another problem into the fore front, and a possible solution. Mai didn't know if Greyhound would sell a minor a ticket. However from the dozen or so leering grins she didn't think it would be a problem.

"Scuse me, could one of you gentlemen help a girl out?"

08:51 Dec 5th

Ticket in hand she silently thanked all the gods and goddesses. The total cost of her escape so far was near three hundred dollars. Just over two hundred for her ticket and another fifty to pay off the homeless guy she got to buy the ticket for her. She had just over one hundred dollars still left on her and another several hours before she could hit up another ATM to pull more out of her account before it was dangerous to do so.

"Ticket Please."

Mai snapped back to the here and now and handed her ticket to the driver as she boarded. Best three hundred dollars I ever spent, she decided.

09:02 Dec 5th

The ticket said Detroit, but Mai had been pondering that already. If they some how tracked her down to the Greyhound ticket they would know where she was headed. Looking over the planned stops she decided Toledo would be here last stop. Yes it was on the route, but she figured anything to confuse the search was a good thing. At least it could buy her time to get farther away.

Mai settled into her seat and pulled out her laptop. It was going to be a long ride and that made her all the more grateful that they where on one of the new buses with WiFi. As Firefox came up she typed in the address of her favorite site. Seconds later she was settling back and reading more of Ellen Hayes work. There wasn't many more chapters left in the main story but she had been eyeballing the alternate universe story that merged Tuck and the Seasons stories. She figured she'd have plenty of time to catch up on them both during the long bus trip and smiled as she settled in for the ride.

10:35 Dec 6th

Her eyes popped open as the driver announced a twenty minute rest stop. Grabbing her purse and laptop case she hurried off the bus to find a bathroom. Almost instantly she was grateful she had added the long sleeved yellow under shirt and black and red tights to it after the first rest stop. It was freezing out compared to her home state. She had considered more sensible jeans and a sweater but her vanity had worn out. Besides she was going to be so close to the home of her idols that she couldn't not wear her juggalette gear.

10:42 Dec 6th

Quickly she checked her make up in the mirror. Pulling out her lipstick and powder she quickly touched up her face and then dropped things back into her purse and out came her brush. A few quick swipes had her hair back in order. Another glance in the mirror and Mai nodded. She looked good in her opinion. Grabbing her purse and laptop case again she turned and headed back outside.

Stepping out brought the expected chill with it. Going to have to break down and put on warmer clothes, she thought to herself as her eyes re adjusted to the bright glare of the morning sun that seemed to hang directly in her eyes. Blinking a few times she stopped cold, a feeling of dread running into her spine as her vision cleared. Snatching the pre paid cell phone she had picked up at the first stop in her trip she looked at the time then back to the parking lot.

Mai scanned where the bus had been parked as her eyes widened in panic. She had only been in the bathroom a few minutes. There was no way they should have left already. Yet her eyes did not lie, the bus was gone.

10:44 Dec 6th

Mike smacked Valerie in the back of her head. She deserved it for what she had suggested. "You heard what George said. No way are we letting you give up now. Not after what he went through defending you."

Val nodded slowly, letting her voice sigh, " I know Mike, I just don't want anymore of my friends getting hurt because of..."

Mike smacked Valerie again soliciting a squeak of protest from her, effectively cutting her off.

"George got hurt because those guys are bigoted assholes. Don't ever say, no, don't ever even THINK it was your fault."

Valerie knew Mike was right. He usually was with these things. Still she had to make a show of it, her inner wise guy required it. Closing her eyes she held up her hands in surrender, "Alright, Alright, you are right. No going back. So are you taking me shopping for more clothes today?"

Mike gave her another swat to the back of her head but smiled this time as he headed to the cooler in the back of the gas station, "I'll buy your drink, dew or coke?"

"Grab me a Dew."

10:58 Dec 6th

As they walked back out to the Beast Valerie's senses sent her into alert mode. She started dropping into a defensive stance before her eyes followed her ears and tracked what had drawn her attention.

Sitting on the ground in a most un-lady like fashion was a young girl. Her knees where pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped tightly around them. Her chest heaved up and down as she had what Debbie would call a good cry. Valerie let her instincts take over as she took stock of the situation. Judging from the girls appearance she didn't believe she was 'one of them' and she saw no one else around. *Goth probably,* Valerie quickly concluded from the girls dark clothing and combat boots.

With out further thought she reached out and tapped Mikes elbow. When he turned to look at her Valerie nodded to the distraught girl. Mike looked over to her then back to Valerie as he quickly signaled <over watch>.

Valerie nodded in agreement. One person would be enough to find out if they could help and two might spook the girl. She certainly did not look like she was from around here in the short skirt and thin top in early December and no sign of even a coat.

Walking up she kept a wary eye on the girl in case she did get spooked and reacted badly. Clearing her throat to give warning she was there Valerie started, trying to keep her voice friendly sounding, "S'cuse me, are you alright?"

11:00 Dec 6th

Mai nearly jumped when she heard the strange voice. Looking up timidly she saw a young raven haired girl standing a few feet away. She looked concerned, yet cautious, and Mai tried to process why.

*Oh, yea, me having a mental breakdown in the middle of a parking lot,* she realized.

Then Mai remembered what happened. She had seemingly been left behind. The bus with her clothes was gone and she had no idea where she even was. That set her off again and she was back to crying even harder. She kept trying to explain what happened through the choking sobs but her rising panic just brought on a blur of syllables she wasn't even sure was English.

11:01 Dec 6th

Valerie's eyes went wide as the other girl started babbling, seemingly ready to asphyxiate herself between the tears and hyperventilation. Quickly she closed the distance and knelt down in front of the girl.

"Whoa, whoa, calm down girl," Valerie said over the sobs and reached out putting her hands on the panic ridden girls shoulders. "Your going to hurt yourself and confuse me."

Valerie tried for a comforting smile as the girl looked up and took several breaths. Val let her eyes meet the other girls while she took in her face. *Asian, maybe Japanese,* she thought. *Definitely needs to redo her make-up.* Then something caught Valerie's eye. *Was that a bruise?* She looked closer and it was. In fact she saw several scattered about the girls face starting to show through the tear stained make up.

The implications sent a chill up Valerie's spine. It was only with a concerted act of will that Valerie didn't let it show.

"Okay, under control now?"

The distraught girl nodded mutely in the affirmative.

"Good, my name is Valerie, what's yours?"

"Kyoshima Mai, "she answered at first then shook her head, "I mean Mai Kyoshima."

*Ah ha,* Valerie smiled inwardly, *probably Japanese after all.* "Alright Mai, are you thirsty? Want a drink?"

Mai nodded so Valerie passed over her unopened bottle of dew. Mai quickly spun the lid off and drank deeply of it.

"Arigatou gozaimasu Valerie-san, " Mai blurted out between drinks.

"S'no problem, now can you tell me what has you so upset?"

Mai almost started to tear up again but a few deep breaths helped her calm down. "I was going to Detroit to visit my Aunt, " she lied, hoping Valerie would count any nervousness as after effects of her hysterics. "The bus driver said we had a twenty minute rest stop here but when I came out of the bathroom five minutes later the bus was gone."

Valerie nodded, considering the situation. That Mai was not telling the whole truth did not escape her. The faint bruises told her that much with out reading into anything else. Still the only way to find out what was really wrong was to convince Mai to trust her. That meant spending time with the other girl.

Glancing sideways to where Mike was watching and listening she mentally shrugged. If Mike doesn't like it I'll just have to convince him, she decided.

"Hey, how about we go to my place, call the bus company, and find out where your bus is now. I assume you had more luggage than this with you right?"

Mai nodded in the affirmative as Valerie continued, "We can see if we can get them to hold that even if you have to catch another bus later today."

Mai smiled weakly and gave a small bow with her head, "Arigato gozaimasu Valerie-san."

Valerie smiled and stood up taking Mai's hands in her own and pulling her to her feet. "You go get cleaned up. I'll wait for you by the car. Pump four."

Mai nodded and grabbed her purse and laptop case, "Yosh!, I'll be right back."

11:12 Dec 6th

Mai breathed a sigh of relief as she locked the door to the unisex bathroom. She wasn't sure why but Valerie seemed comfortable, familiar really. "Must be the name, " she said to the empty room.

Moving to the sink she lifted up her laptop case and started opening pockets. She was going to need more than what was in her purse to fix herself up she knew.

Seeing her Val in the case while she pulled out what she needed comforted her. She ran her fingers through the bears soft fur and smiled, "Maybe luck hasn't abandoned us yet eh?"

Looking up at herself in the mirror she startled herself. Not because her make-up was ruined but because here and there her bruises where showing through. *Shit, hopefully Valerie didn't notice.* Mai did not want to have to explain the bruising and she needed Valerie's help to catch up to the bus. All of her clothes she had brought where in the back pack still and she didn't have the money to replace them all and still have something to get herself started with.

11:14 Dec 6th

Valerie sat against the fender of the car as Mike approached from where he had been watching. Nervous energy coursed through her and she felt like she was trying to force it into the Beast's steel body.

"She's been attacked, and recently. Fresh bruises on her face," Valerie reported as Mike walked up.

"Thought that's what it looked like."

"How could you see that from..."

"Superior genetics," Mike said with a grin, "I am Chinese remember? So what do we do about our little onee-chan in trouble?"

Valerie considered it. She knew that if Mai didn't trust them she wouldn't tell them anything. She knew all about not trusting strangers and the madness it could create all to well.

"We have to get her to trust us, Mike. That means spending time with her. So first, back to my place and we find the nearest bus terminal and figure out what happened to her bus."

Mike nodded in agreement then got a huge grin on his face. "Better call Debbie and let her know. She might get jealous if her girlfriend has some cute Asian girl up in her room all alone."

Valerie poked Mike repeatedly while laughing, "We'll just have to tell her she is there for you."

11:19 Dec 6th

Mai finally got herself put back together and headed outside again. Scanning the pumps she found pump four where Valerie was leaning against the fender of one of those antique monsters that came out of Detroit nearly a decade before she had been born. Quickly she started towards the other girl who turned, seemingly sensing Mai's approach.

"Hey over here, come meet my friend, Mike. He'll be our chauffeur for the day."

As Mai rounded the car she smiled and waved, "Konnichiwa Mike-san!"

Mike popped up just then, an air pressure gauge in his hand. Turning around with a smile on his face he quickly twitched a little as Mai's face went blank. *Damn, I'm not that bad looking am I,* he thought.

Mai started pointing at Mike and then turned to Valerie, words that sounded like nonsense coming out of her mouth, "Nani? Nani? Choshi ga warui desu."

Valerie shot a confused look to Mike and he returned it in kind, equally confused.

Mai couldn't believe what she was seeing. It couldn't be possible, it shouldn't be possible. But if she was right, then it had to be possible. What she knew fit to well. That meant these two had to be, "Valerie and Mike, " she answered herself in a fearful whisper.

Valerie nodded looking at Mai with concern, "Yes Mai, that's what I said."
Mai blinked and seemed to go even paler than her normally light skin tone, "Valerie Tucker, and Michael Johanson," her voice shaking with shock and fear.

Valerie looked at Mike with sudden suspicion then turned back to Mai, "How do you know..."

If more was said Mai didn't hear it. The ground suddenly became a lot more interesting as blackness enveloped her senses.


There. That should fix some of the formatting issues. Also did some light spell checking (hope you don't mind.)

Finally I have to say, that poor poor girl! To go from WiFi on buses to 1997/98 where most people are using IE Win9x to do daily computing. ::shudders:: If it weren't for entering a world with Mike and Tucker I don't think it'd be worth it.

Needless to say I really hope your protagonist holds onto her laptop tightly or else we could be in for a radically different 2010 if or when she gets back!

--iWindoze
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6520] Tue, 16 November 2010 09:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Trisha Clements  is currently offline Trisha Clements
Messages: 18
Registered: July 2010
Location: Indianapolis, In
Junior Member

Go for it on spell checking. If you see some grammer issues don't do a straight correction but rather put the error then the correction so I can see where the grammer is messed up. I'm not to overly worried about grammer but I do know I can butcher the english language.

And yes, her laptop is going to be a prize to hold onto for sure. While she does not have something that could be considered a beast by todays standards (Dell Inspiron 15 Intel Dual Core 2.17/2.17 gig processor 3 gig ram DVD-R/W drive) it will be light years ahead of what Tuck's seen and used in terms of laptops.

It's also possibly the ONLY solid proof she is from the future/AU and not crazy.


-To what world will you find your soul given when you do nothing to preserve it?
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #6656] Wed, 06 April 2011 00:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
OtteryLexa  is currently offline OtteryLexa
Messages: 28
Registered: April 2011
Location: UK
Junior Member
Are you still working on this?

I too was bothered by her, on the one hand, hoping they wouldn't be able to track her to Dallas, and on the other planning to keep using her ATM card. Doesn't she know that bank account activity will be one of the first things the police will look at if she is reported missing?

I've pulled out some typos:

Quote:

Gently she set Val, her closest friend, on the sings wide counter [...] years of practice, , her


"sings"? ", ," double commas.

Quote:

As she pulled out of the driveway she had realized that in a few hours she might be reported as a run away. That meant her back account would end up being tracked and the police looking for her and her mothers car, which she w as now driving. As the problem played through her mind she realized there was nothing she could do to stop it, so she turned her thoughts to what to do to minimize the problem.


"back account" "mothers car" should be "mother's car" "she w as now"

Quote:

Toledo would be here last stop.


"here"

Quote:

reading more of Ellen Hayes work


Possessive requires and apostrophe, with an optional ess. "Ellen Hayes' work"

Quote:

her eyes re adjusted [...] the pre paid cell phone


"re adjusted" "pre paid"?

Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #7061] Sun, 15 April 2012 21:30 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Anne  is currently offline Anne
Messages: 355
Registered: April 2012
Senior Member
Cool One hopes that you are continuing to work on this even if in dribs and drabs... Being a discovery writer myself I often run into plot points that are immovable!
Re: Working on fanfic and hoping to steal some imput [message #7122] Wed, 11 July 2012 22:11 Go to previous message
Eric  is currently offline Eric
Messages: 641
Registered: January 2003
Location: San Francisco
Senior Member
Hi. Haven't been around for a couple of years, or below the front page "fold" since your chapter was posted. So this is the first I've seen of it. Hope you continue.

A couple of plot questions:
- This fanfic clearly takes place in the parallel world of Rachel Greenham's Tuck Squared; specifically, Valerie's dimension there (and not our mainstream Val's). It bears a lot of resemblance to Seasons (at least original Seasons; haven't read much of the remake), but the full transition in Squared afterward, and the consequent attack on George, isn't canon.

That doesn't make your story invalid, of course -- it's a fanfic, after all. But you probably ought to make that clear in the header -- especially since you don't even mention Rachel or that alternate world among Mai's readings.

- Mai's switch to the Japanese language really needs to be explained. (Especially since I can't understand much of it beyond "arigato".) Given that the family was on "the base" at the start of the story, I automatically assumed they were assimilated Japanese Americans. I still have little reason to doubt that, except that Mai first spoke her name in the Asian sequence.

Did the universe change affect her mind? Seems unlikely, if her prepaid phone and late-model laptop survived the trip unchanged, as you seem to indicate. Is Japanese so much her first language that she'd revert to it, even when trying to communicate with American teens, due to this new traumatic experience? Given what she's gone through before, that doesn't strike me as likely.

Or was she trying to isolate herself from the teens because of her experiences with other people in the past? After all, she didn't ask for their help; they came to the rescue on their own. But given her situation, you'd think she'd want to figure out what's going on, and that she would have seen Valerie as a promising source, especially when she seemed to be part of a mixed-race couple.

Anyway, an explanation of her thoughts (at least when we get back to her POV) would be really helpful.

Looking forward, in any case, to more of this someday.

Eric

[Updated on: Wed, 11 July 2012 23:11]

Previous Topic:Meet the Tuckers (part 2)
Next Topic:Tuck and Certus crossover
Goto Forum:
  


Current Time: Sat Jun 23 06:41:45 EDT 2018

Total time taken to generate the page: 0.02197 seconds
.:: Contact :: Home ::.

Powered by: FUDforum 2.7.7.
Copyright ©2001-2007 FUD Forum Bulletin Board Software