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Living in a funhouse mirror [message #8467] Sun, 02 November 2014 12:09
Schol-R-LEA  is currently offline Schol-R-LEA
Messages: 31
Registered: July 2007
Location: Alpharetta, GA
Member

While I have never been closeted about my sexual orientation, I am finding - to paraphrase Tuck - that gender issues are a lot more complicated than homosexuality. At least for me they are. But at least now I am talking about them, both to my therapist and to my family.

So far, I have been and remain fortunate to be as accepted as I have been, but that doesn't help the confusion.

For years I have played with the idea that I am genderqueer. I certainly have never been comfortable in my skin, feeling like a passenger in a vehicle someone else - someone completely nuts - is in control of. I hate my body, and not just because - as most people assume - I weigh in excess of 450 pounds. Even when I was thin - yes, there was a time I was thin, even I tend to forget that - I hated my body just as passionately. Corporeal existence itself seems a curse to me.

I know, without question, that I don't feel male - that the role I am playing is an act, and one I feel certain everyone is seeing through, at that. Yet I can't seem to stop playing it, being to afraid to find an alternative.

I've never felt female, either, though; at least, I don't think I have. I wouldn't know a thing about being female in our society.

Gender roles, on the whole, are a black box to me.

And yet... there's always been a part of me that has wanted to experiment with being female. I don't really think it would be 'really' me any more than being Joseph is, or even being Jay (which I see as two different roles, the latter being at least closer to who I 'really am'), but somehow, I have this itch that I can't seem to scratch. I'm not sure I could with anything less than a TFD, a la El Goonish Shive or Umlaut House.

I certainly don't fetishize clothing - in fact, I hate clothing of all kinds, especially men's business and formal attire, and I am a naturist by habit, at least when I am alone, and except for having funny pictures on t-shirts, I find dressing for anything other than comfort and protection meaningless. Or so I always thought; but if that's so true, why is the idea of trying to dress 'as a woman' so frightening and yet appealing to me?

If I could, I would change back and forth at will, but I think, somehow, that the female is closer to the real me than the male. Does that make me bi-gendered? Perhaps, but again, the social roles are a closed book to me, I just don't understand them.

What makes this complicated is that there is a definite streak of autogynephilia in the mix as well, a fetishizing of taking female form physically. It's an embarrassing thing to admit, but most of my sexual fantasies do involve me as a female, usually with another female but often with a male. My fantasy life is a very mixed up thing, though, and that's maybe 75% of the time; the other times, either I am a male (not necessarily my own body), or I am simply observing from the outside, not participating at all. Despite what that idiot Blanchard (or whatever his name is) may think, though, it is clear to me that this is a separate issue from my gender confusion. The gender role is the important factor, and most of the time, I feel as if I want to reject both of the commonly accepted roles entirely.

I don't even know what to call myself. Genderqueer? Androgyne? Bi-gender? None of the above? Or am I simply transgendered and in denial? I honestly, truly do not know, and that is what really scares me most of all.

I often said, when I first came out about my sexuality, that I knew from that start that the question wasn't either/or for me, but both/neither. It turned out to be both. But for gender, it seems even more complex, and harder to pin down. I have no idea where this is going to take me, and I am afraid.

[Updated on: Sun, 02 November 2014 12:13]

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