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Devastated... [message #5629] Mon, 18 February 2008 18:48 Go to next message
Mia  is currently offline Mia
Messages: 17
Registered: December 2007
Junior Member
I came out to my mom nearly two days ago. My friend(The first person I came out to) was with me and whe was able to comfort me when my mom contradicted me.

Basically she said, that she believes me to be a very confused straight male.
1 This doesn't make sense, she already knew I was gay becuase I have had a boyfriend over to the house (Once and never again).

and

2. She "Doesn't remember" when I would try to play dress-up with my sisters, and other various things.

Now she's trying to conince me that there is no way I could be. It's not like she's maliciously trying to suppress me; she just doesn't want to lose her little boy - and I can understand that.

The last thing she said to me was that with my masculine build, that no doctor would permit reassignment for me (Broad shoulders, think football player with the pads on}. Why should my body's build prevent me from being feminine? I know plenty of anatomically correct women with broader shoulders than mine. But her saying that was like the icing on the cake (if the icing were poison and the cake were mud).

Can someone show me anything that could prove (Or better yet, disprove) this? I don't know where she got her information.


I'm going to go curl up and disintegrate for a few hours.


( I wasn't sure where I could put this, and I needed to get it out somehow to somebody.)


severely depressed right now.
need to scream.
Re: Devastated... [message #5630] Mon, 18 February 2008 19:59 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Erin Halfelven  is currently offline Erin Halfelven
Messages: 712
Registered: September 2002
Location: Surf City, USA
Senior Member
Administrator
It's called "denial". One of the stages of grief, or to put a finer gloss on it, dealing with loss. The other stages include anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The order isn't always the same but most people have to go through them for any loss they feel deeply.

Looked at that way, you mom is on her way to acceptance.

There's no point in arguing with her, though. You could just push her to anger sooner than she's ready and active resistance could cause her to stick there.

Live your life, let her live hers and love her as much as you can is my advice. Be as happy as you can be, it's the best argument there is.

Hugs,
Erin
Re: Devastated... [message #5631] Mon, 18 February 2008 22:53 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Amy!  is currently offline Amy!
Messages: 76
Registered: May 2005
Location: RTP NC
Member
Oh, and while you're at it, try and figure out where it says that "woman" == "pretty".

It's true that a lot of transfiction reinforces the stereotype (and so does a great deal of mainstream stuff, for that matter). Don't buy it. And don't let other people's opinions on how you "should" look impact your life.

Yeah, yeah, it'd be nice to be five feet tall, with delicate features and all the rest of it. I haven't got that; many of my (natal woman) friends don't have it either. They suffered; I suffer; we suffer ... but don't believe it outside those dark hours past midnight when all thoughts burn like acid.

Like Erin said ... takes time. Don't let somebody's defensive reactions fuck with your head, though, 'kay?

Amy!
Re: Devastated... [message #5633] Tue, 19 February 2008 05:11 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Eric  is currently offline Eric
Messages: 641
Registered: January 2003
Location: San Francisco
Senior Member
Mia wrote on Mon, 18 February 2008 15:48

The last thing she said to me was that with my masculine build, that no doctor would permit reassignment for me[...]

Can someone show me anything that could prove (Or better yet, disprove) this? I don't know where she got her information.


I've seen comments in books, back from the Harry Benjamin days, that suggest that there was some reluctance back then to allow certain physical types to transition. It's quite possible, if your mother read something along the lines of Renee Richards' Second Serve(1983) -- Richards says, approximately, that "surgeons can make any stevedore into a woman, but the test is whether the patrons will look up when she walks into Sardi's" -- that she'd have that impression. (Dr. Richards, the TS tennis player and optic surgeon, was 6-1, of athletic male build, and of course she did eventually find a doctor who approved reassignment, though she reportedly later came to regret her decision.)

But that was a quarter century ago, before gender dysphoria really became an accepted psychological diagnosis. I'm inclined to doubt that it's still a potential problem.

Eric
Re: Devastated... [message #5634] Tue, 19 February 2008 22:40 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Ellen Hayes  is currently offline Ellen Hayes
Messages: 684
Registered: September 2002
Senior Member
Your mom is, don't take this personally, fucked. Don't feel you have to believe her.

It seems as though parents are the worst possible case in "dealing with transsexuals", with siblings coming in second, and hardcore fundies somewhere around sixth.

The part about "broad shoulders" is definitely wrong. Trust ME; I've met more transsexuals than she has.

The entire TS "industry" is cash-driven, as long as you stay FAR the fuck away from "gender clinics". What the surgeons really seem concerned about is general health for surgery - overweight is a no-go, for instance.

And you can go from wherever-you-start right up to surgery without ONCE requiring some kind of fucking "permission" from someone else for ANYTHING. Genital-mutilating surgery requires a letter or two from a psych, in the US; EVERY SINGLE THERAPIST I've ever had or dealt with, has agreed that they'd be happy to write the appropriate letter for me if the time came.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I had reactions on either side of this from my parents, and... fifteen years later, it still sucks.

"Transsexual" in general is just kind of suckful. I should've taken up knitting instead.


Ellen
nosig
Re: Devastated... [message #5635] Tue, 19 February 2008 23:14 Go to previous message
Mia  is currently offline Mia
Messages: 17
Registered: December 2007
Junior Member
I havn't heard another word about this from her. It's not like she completly stopped talking to me, but there are more awkward moments now than ever.

Thanks, for all of your support- I needed it.


(Strangley, coming out to my sister was the easiest thing in the world for me. She was very open minded and all she said was, "Just stay out of my closet.")


severely depressed right now.
need to scream.
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